There is likely a date on your calendar that carries more weight than the people around you realize. It might be a birthday, an anniversary, or a reminder of an event. As it approaches, you may find yourself wondering what to do with it, or whether you are supposed to do anything at all.
Here is what I want you to know: your connection to the person you lost is still real, it is healthy, and it deserves a place in your life. You are allowed to keep connecting with, celebrating and honoring them.
Your Bond Doesn’t Have to End and the Research Agrees
When I asked people to share what their loved ones enjoyed in my Stories on Instagram, the answers came pouring in.
One woman keeps flowers in the house because her mother always did. Someone dances to BB King in her living room because her grandmother made everyone dance with her. Another reaches for chili cheese Fritos and feels her dad right there with them.
If you have your own version of this, you are already practicing something researchers call Continuing Bonds Theory, introduced by Dennis Klass and his colleagues in 1996. Their work challenged decades of Western thinking that treated an ongoing tie to the deceased as something to resolve or move past. Staying connected to those who came before us has been common practice in many cultures around the world for generations, and the research has now caught up to that wisdom.
Studies since then have found that continuing bonds often support well-being, serve as healthy coping, and offer genuine comfort and peace.
So if you have been quietly keeping a ritual and wondering whether it means you are stuck, you can release that worry. The evidence points the other way. Your ritual is likely one of the healthiest things you do.
Why You May Have Been Keeping Your Love Quiet
What shapes whether you express your bond openly is rarely the bond itself. It is social expectation. Many of us learned to keep our love private because the people around us seemed uncomfortable with it, or because we absorbed the message that grief has a timeline and ours expired.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. And you also deserve the freedom to love out loud.
What Becomes Possible When You Celebrate Openly
When you give yourself permission to honor the person you lost, the grief and the joy get to live in the same life. You carry your whole story with you, everywhere you go — into the boardroom, into your home, into the quiet moment when a song comes on and you smile instead of looking away.
The people you have lost keep contributing to who you are becoming. Their love shaped how you lead, how you care for the people around you, and how you move through the world. Honoring them is how you keep receiving what they gave you.
I practice this myself. My mom passed in 2018, and every year on July 7 I still celebrate her birthday. I buy her cards, I sing "Happy Birthday" to her in the Stevie Wonder version we loved, and I dance to the songs we used to dance to together. Eight years later, the celebration feels as natural to me as breathing, and it brings me closer to her every time.
How to Begin
Think of the person you love. Now think of one thing that was unmistakably theirs: a meal they cooked, a song they played, a place they returned to, a small pleasure they never gave up. Choose one, and mark the next meaningful date with it. Cook the meal and tell their story at the table. Play their song in the car. Visit that special place.
Love changes shape. It does not end. May you find peace in knowing the depth of their love is with you today and always.
With Love and Liberation,
Nichole
SUPPORTING YOU ON YOUR GRIEF HEALING JOURNEY
If you’re a high achiever and desire support on your grief healing recovery and life transformation journey, I invite you to request a Complimentary Consultation. During our time together, we’ll get to know each other and explore options for supporting you in creating your next chapter with more fulfillment and joy. See you soon.
With Love,
Nichole